Trying

The funny thing about trying

is that you have to attempt it

attempt to get up

attempt to have a purpose

and attempt to try to make the day doable

I tried and succeeded to get up before the alarm

I got my clothes on

put my headphones on out of habit

no music is playing just a habit

I managed to walk a young and an old dog

I managed to try to feel something

what I succeeded in doing

is to create tears

I created a tightness in my chest

my throat

all the while you don’t see it because I’m good

I’ve mastered this face

I’ve breathed through my unease

I’ve taken More than I should

never did I fight back that hard

unless I’m at the tip of the ledge and I’m about to fall

the fall is not what sets the fire

it is the voidness

the wrong mess of things

I’m attempting to stay quiet with my tears

I don’t want to be pushed into talking

I hate the feeling of just watching

but my mouth does not want to move

my thoughts are running a mile a minute

I’m trying

but no one really sees me

the last one who seen me left

added value to my life

then poof like smoke

I’m gonna keep trying

I hope I don’t break anybody

One Night part 2

My sleep was interrupted by thoughts of the email invitation and what I have done. I must have lost my mind meeting someone like this.

What if he will severely harm me? What if I catch something? What if…I find out that this is what I have been missing in my life?

That last thought is more worrisome than the others. The light flashing at me on my alarm clock feels like torture when my eyes cannot be torn away from it.

I decided to beat the alarm and get up. I was going to shut off the alarm, but I want to see how I can go through my daily routine in under ten minutes.

I had to push my muscles to move. I went to the bathroom, looked into the mirror to see me looking  like the night had decided to put me under some serious punishments for my carelessness.

I am really thinking to much into this but since it is bothering me so much, I will go to the shop and tell him that I have changed my mind. No, I will not go back to the shop. I will just send a decline message to the email.

I went to my laptop and opened my email, and I was sent a second message.

You may have doubts and that is normal. Come to the shop at one. We can talk. Regards Y. Vessel

That was it. Nothing else said. How is it that one line had so much authority behind it? I can type back “I am not at your beck and call.” Instead, what I did was jump. The alarm went off and snapped me out of it.

One o’clock then. I can meet him and call this off. The universe has made it possible for me to just do this. After shutting off the alarm I went about getting myself ready. I went to my closet and pulled out a suit that I wear at interviews.

I can just make this feel like I am interviewing a new concierge at the hotel. Just zone out and be the other me.

One

The shop was slow around  this time that is why I chose it to talk to her. I heard when the door opened. I was at the other side of the store. The part where we stock the hand made

Whips and oils that made the leathers stay supple.

She went to the counter and she asked, “Excuse me. Can you tell me where the man by the name of  A. Vessel is?”

I remembered her voice and she sounds different. A little colder. I smiled; I couldn’t help it. Looking her over it reminded me of the king who has new cloths. It’s a form of hiding. Cute.

I walked behind her and said, “Punctual.”

She jumped and turned looking at me. What flashed in her eyes behind the charade was innocent.

I looked at Samantha and gave her a nod signaling I am taking a break.

“Would you like to go to the cafe across the street so we can talk?” I asked her.

“Alright but it will be quick.” She said giving me that tone of voice again.

The café was busy but I managed to get a table in the back but speaking to the hostess.

Once we sat and ordered some coffee. I waited to see what she had prepared to say.

She kept glancing at the coffee and then at me.

“I want to cancel the meeting. I do not know what I was thinking and I would like for you to take me off your email list.”

I took a sip of coffee and did not stop looking at her.

“No.”

She looked shocked.

“You are scared and that is understandable. You do not know me and that is one of the reasons why I sent you that message. The second is I would not want you to feel like I would want to harm you. For you never be seen again. On the contrary, I want the real you to be seen. Third in this day and age we need to be careful, and I will be going to the clinic to get tested.”

I pulled a card out of my back pocket.

“This is the clinic I have gone to in the past and I will be going there later today. I will show you all the test results before we meet. Forth and most importantly when we meet. What happens behind the door will stay there. Any conversation, any vulnerability that is seen is between us.”

She held her breath a little to long for my liking. I reached over and touched her hand and she was trembling.

I helped her raise the cup so she can take a drink. She did so and it helped I can see he was a little bit better.

“This is the time to say something.” I said as I drank some coffee and watched.

“You took away my choice to say no.” She whispered

I smiled and leaned in.

“You wanted me to take away that choice. You could have told me no on the email and to go to hell. Instead, you came in to show me that you have it together to tell me no. Instead, what you shown me was the opposite. If you truly want out, leave the card to the clinic on the table and leave. No hard feeling and I will remove you from the email list.”

I can see she audibly took in a quick breath as if she was shocked. She looked at the card for a while and spoke. She spoke in the hushed voice that I remembered.

“My name is Alara.” She picked up the card and stood up to leave.

I held the hand she held the card in to stop her from moving so I could say this. “Alara, this is only for one night. An experience that you will have in real life and not read about. I know you’re scared but for that night. I swear I will take care of you.”

I could feel her slightly relaxed. She took a breath and put the card in her pocket of her small grey purse.

“Bye Vessel.” She whispered and left.

I watched her leave and I thought I hope we both get what we need out of this.

One Night

Open Email

You are cordially invited to One Night Only. You have been chosen out of many to come to this location at this time. Once you arrive you will be notified to which room you are assigned to. This is your opportunity to let all your inhibitions and fears be left outside the door.

If you choose not to accept, please just trash the message. You will receive this only once. You will never be contacted again. The ball is in your court; it is up to you to decide.

I looked at that message several times and wondered who was playing a game with me. One Night Only sounds like a setup.  What does it mean leave your inhibitions behind? I’m thinking about who knows what I like. I was very careful.

Everything I did could not make one think that I like a more decadent lifestyle. I looked over the e-mail and there it was. Something that I didn’t notice before in the corner. A Raven standing on top of a whip. Shit that was from the shop I went to a month ago.

I remember now I was talking to the assistant owner, and he kept looking at me as if he knew more than what I was letting on. I just walked in there not knowing what I really wanted but after talking to him I realized I wanted more then what just the items can provide.

I sat there looking at the message for twenty minutes before I clicked on accept. My heart was racing and my palms were sweaty. It was alright, nobody would figure this out because I look like someone who likes to keep to themselves. I’m not too flashy and when I speak, I barely say much. It’s in ten days so I have enough time to build up my courage for something that’s only going to happen for one night.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for but I’m tired of not knowing what I need.

He looked up at the acceptance, but he was not surprised. I didn’t realize that he was being watched.

“Don’t know why do you have that smile on your face? I haven’t seen that in a very long time what’s going on?”

Looking up from the computer I see Samantha smiling at me and she genuinely cares about me. So,it didn’t bother me so much to let her know about things that I like.

“Remember that woman that came into the shop the other day and she seemed a little lost? ”

Samantha looked at me with questioning eyes trying to remember what I’m talking about.

“It doesn’t matter. What matter is I reached out to her and she accepted.”

She stood there with her mouth slightly open not fully understanding what I had done but she waited before she said anything and that’s what I appreciate about her.

“I invited her to the One Night Only.”

Realization finally dawned and I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction I was going to have from her, but I did not expect her to jump up and down like a schoolgirl as if this was the best present she’s ever received.

“I’m so glad you’re trying to get out there again.”

“It is only for one night and I think we both would greatly benefit from what will happen.”

“But what if some connection…”

“No. There can be no connection. I don’t think I can handle that. Not after what happened.”

She stopped bouncing and she looked at me with sad eyes. I didn’t want that look, I just wanted a friend to understand.

“Alright since it’s only one night you better put your best foot forward so she can understand that there is more to life than just hiding. I remember who you’re talking about now and it seems like she wants more but doesn’t understand the more that she wants will be liberating if she only lets her guard down.” Samantha sat with her arms crossed exposing the tattoo that she had on her forearm that’s said ‘Take me now as I am.’

I looked at her and nodded because I got the same feeling from her and at the same time it may heal me as well.

(Hi my fire starters. Hope you are all doing well and keeping warm with passion fire. This is only the beginning. lol)

Should I?

Should I write about heated nights

And secret rendezvous

Of passionate kisses

And special paddles and tools

Should I write, about what would scare

The normal’s in society

What they would deem impropriety

The question is what should I write?

For tonight feels different

 than any other night

Is there a fullness to the moon

That is awakening the beast

Is there a shift in the tide

Making my mouth water waiting to feast

I do not want you to kneel and wait

Stand up, hands behind your neck

Ah yes that is a perfect display

Are you worried about the pleasure I receive pet

Why swallow so many times

We have not started the fun

Do you see my cat of nine’s

Is it that your skin holds no marks

Is that what is disturbing my peace

That little spark

Maybe it is nothing at all

The primal need to want you to beg me

Eventually crawl

Stand there and think

While you do,

 I will go to the sink

Where something special is there for you

Can you guess?

Let your mind go crazy

I want it too

Come cum lets not be lazy

Clink

Did you jump

Its your present that fell

In the sink

No more talking

No more delay

We have discussed this

Bend and lets play

I AM HERE

I have been floundering for the past couple of months. Could not find my footing on stable ground.

You must think that it is normal for people to go through this. It could be I do not know. Something happened recently that reminded me who I am. Which also reveals a fault of mine.

I see the best and the possibility of who people can be. Not seeing what was really going on.

It is easy to blame me. So, they did. Yes, you read right. They. So, I decided the best course of action is to stay with my mini circle. I know who they are and they know me without judgement, because I am not perfect, but I am not the scape goat either.

I have a friend who every once and awhile asks “Where are you?”

That is not asking about me physically but mentally. I need that sometimes because I get lost trying to be someone I thought they wanted. Enough of that.

I am writing this here because I am inconsistent and I need to change all of that and need to focus.

The year is almost up and I should have completed a couple of projects already, but I have gotten lost. I am back now and I am going to take you with me on my journey. Poetry is coming and Stories.

This is my heart, my love and my passion.

I have not said this line in a long time, but it is fitting to bring it back.

Let us stroke the fire until it burns, my fire starters. Fia Naturie is back.

Water (poem)

This should feel

Soothing to fevered flesh

This is gift

That requires no thank you’s

Instead

It does what it was not meant to

Spurs and ignites

The tenderness deceives

Taunt flesh

Should ease

Tightens in places

Oh god the places

It surrounds

In false security

Like a child held in warmth

Break away once and the chill

Reveals pebbled flesh

Dusted peaks scream

Need

Relief is not close

Still

The offer of tenderness

With the lap of soft foam

Should I continue

To enjoy the offer

Or leave making this

A torment that cannot

Be replicated

Run

I want you to run from me
Run as far as you can
Once I decide to set my sights
My vision will only see you
I will not be able to restrain myself
I will stay in the shadow and watch
You will feel me there
You will never see me there
Take the out
Run
I feel it just at the surface
Itching to be released
To consume you
Swallowing your fear like an aphrodisiac
Your eyes widening
Revealing everything
You secretly know… don’t you
That you are the rabbit
Not the pure, pristine rabbit
The one you should have been a cat
The number of lives you used
Trying to get away
The forest has no panic button
I am the wolf
Salivating from the sound of a rapid heart
Fighting the urge to chase
Do not taunt me
You know what and who I am
I watch you swallow
A nervous penchant
Shows the effect of what is occurring
You walk towards
Run
Run away
This is the last of the warnings
You come closer
The more I lose myself in this
The more you will have to endure

How are you all? I am writing out of sequence. This is the second part. The first is called Think and the third is called Behind the Door. The secret will be announced soon.

Count Down Surprise

Hello, fire starters. I have been holding back a secret that I can now share with you. (Well… I have other secrets too…. not ready to share though)

I will be attending BOOK CON 2026 at New Yorks Jacob Javits center. It will be 4/18 and 4/19. This convention will show case traditionally published authors and indie authors.

I will have a table representing Hypo Frost Magazine and my e bookstore. Not only that. I will have my own published book Rum Over Whiskey there.

I would be doing a disservice by not saying that I did try to reach out to authors on WordPress to see if they would like their work to be placed on my table and in my bookstore.

Unfortunately, I think they may have thought I was a scam or bot. I will try to reach out again. If you are curious about me and what I do. I will be officially starting a newsletter. I did try a test run, and it was ok but with all new things it takes time to master.

I am so excited to share this with all of you. Until next post. Have a great day.