Trying

The funny thing about trying

is that you have to attempt it

attempt to get up

attempt to have a purpose

and attempt to try to make the day doable

I tried and succeeded to get up before the alarm

I got my clothes on

put my headphones on out of habit

no music is playing just a habit

I managed to walk a young and an old dog

I managed to try to feel something

what I succeeded in doing

is to create tears

I created a tightness in my chest

my throat

all the while you don’t see it because I’m good

I’ve mastered this face

I’ve breathed through my unease

I’ve taken More than I should

never did I fight back that hard

unless I’m at the tip of the ledge and I’m about to fall

the fall is not what sets the fire

it is the voidness

the wrong mess of things

I’m attempting to stay quiet with my tears

I don’t want to be pushed into talking

I hate the feeling of just watching

but my mouth does not want to move

my thoughts are running a mile a minute

I’m trying

but no one really sees me

the last one who seen me left

added value to my life

then poof like smoke

I’m gonna keep trying

I hope I don’t break anybody

One Night part 2

My sleep was interrupted by thoughts of the email invitation and what I have done. I must have lost my mind meeting someone like this.

What if he will severely harm me? What if I catch something? What if…I find out that this is what I have been missing in my life?

That last thought is more worrisome than the others. The light flashing at me on my alarm clock feels like torture when my eyes cannot be torn away from it.

I decided to beat the alarm and get up. I was going to shut off the alarm, but I want to see how I can go through my daily routine in under ten minutes.

I had to push my muscles to move. I went to the bathroom, looked into the mirror to see me looking  like the night had decided to put me under some serious punishments for my carelessness.

I am really thinking to much into this but since it is bothering me so much, I will go to the shop and tell him that I have changed my mind. No, I will not go back to the shop. I will just send a decline message to the email.

I went to my laptop and opened my email, and I was sent a second message.

You may have doubts and that is normal. Come to the shop at one. We can talk. Regards Y. Vessel

That was it. Nothing else said. How is it that one line had so much authority behind it? I can type back “I am not at your beck and call.” Instead, what I did was jump. The alarm went off and snapped me out of it.

One o’clock then. I can meet him and call this off. The universe has made it possible for me to just do this. After shutting off the alarm I went about getting myself ready. I went to my closet and pulled out a suit that I wear at interviews.

I can just make this feel like I am interviewing a new concierge at the hotel. Just zone out and be the other me.

One

The shop was slow around  this time that is why I chose it to talk to her. I heard when the door opened. I was at the other side of the store. The part where we stock the hand made

Whips and oils that made the leathers stay supple.

She went to the counter and she asked, “Excuse me. Can you tell me where the man by the name of  A. Vessel is?”

I remembered her voice and she sounds different. A little colder. I smiled; I couldn’t help it. Looking her over it reminded me of the king who has new cloths. It’s a form of hiding. Cute.

I walked behind her and said, “Punctual.”

She jumped and turned looking at me. What flashed in her eyes behind the charade was innocent.

I looked at Samantha and gave her a nod signaling I am taking a break.

“Would you like to go to the cafe across the street so we can talk?” I asked her.

“Alright but it will be quick.” She said giving me that tone of voice again.

The café was busy but I managed to get a table in the back but speaking to the hostess.

Once we sat and ordered some coffee. I waited to see what she had prepared to say.

She kept glancing at the coffee and then at me.

“I want to cancel the meeting. I do not know what I was thinking and I would like for you to take me off your email list.”

I took a sip of coffee and did not stop looking at her.

“No.”

She looked shocked.

“You are scared and that is understandable. You do not know me and that is one of the reasons why I sent you that message. The second is I would not want you to feel like I would want to harm you. For you never be seen again. On the contrary, I want the real you to be seen. Third in this day and age we need to be careful, and I will be going to the clinic to get tested.”

I pulled a card out of my back pocket.

“This is the clinic I have gone to in the past and I will be going there later today. I will show you all the test results before we meet. Forth and most importantly when we meet. What happens behind the door will stay there. Any conversation, any vulnerability that is seen is between us.”

She held her breath a little to long for my liking. I reached over and touched her hand and she was trembling.

I helped her raise the cup so she can take a drink. She did so and it helped I can see he was a little bit better.

“This is the time to say something.” I said as I drank some coffee and watched.

“You took away my choice to say no.” She whispered

I smiled and leaned in.

“You wanted me to take away that choice. You could have told me no on the email and to go to hell. Instead, you came in to show me that you have it together to tell me no. Instead, what you shown me was the opposite. If you truly want out, leave the card to the clinic on the table and leave. No hard feeling and I will remove you from the email list.”

I can see she audibly took in a quick breath as if she was shocked. She looked at the card for a while and spoke. She spoke in the hushed voice that I remembered.

“My name is Alara.” She picked up the card and stood up to leave.

I held the hand she held the card in to stop her from moving so I could say this. “Alara, this is only for one night. An experience that you will have in real life and not read about. I know you’re scared but for that night. I swear I will take care of you.”

I could feel her slightly relaxed. She took a breath and put the card in her pocket of her small grey purse.

“Bye Vessel.” She whispered and left.

I watched her leave and I thought I hope we both get what we need out of this.

One Night

Open Email

You are cordially invited to One Night Only. You have been chosen out of many to come to this location at this time. Once you arrive you will be notified to which room you are assigned to. This is your opportunity to let all your inhibitions and fears be left outside the door.

If you choose not to accept, please just trash the message. You will receive this only once. You will never be contacted again. The ball is in your court; it is up to you to decide.

I looked at that message several times and wondered who was playing a game with me. One Night Only sounds like a setup.  What does it mean leave your inhibitions behind? I’m thinking about who knows what I like. I was very careful.

Everything I did could not make one think that I like a more decadent lifestyle. I looked over the e-mail and there it was. Something that I didn’t notice before in the corner. A Raven standing on top of a whip. Shit that was from the shop I went to a month ago.

I remember now I was talking to the assistant owner, and he kept looking at me as if he knew more than what I was letting on. I just walked in there not knowing what I really wanted but after talking to him I realized I wanted more then what just the items can provide.

I sat there looking at the message for twenty minutes before I clicked on accept. My heart was racing and my palms were sweaty. It was alright, nobody would figure this out because I look like someone who likes to keep to themselves. I’m not too flashy and when I speak, I barely say much. It’s in ten days so I have enough time to build up my courage for something that’s only going to happen for one night.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for but I’m tired of not knowing what I need.

He looked up at the acceptance, but he was not surprised. I didn’t realize that he was being watched.

“Don’t know why do you have that smile on your face? I haven’t seen that in a very long time what’s going on?”

Looking up from the computer I see Samantha smiling at me and she genuinely cares about me. So,it didn’t bother me so much to let her know about things that I like.

“Remember that woman that came into the shop the other day and she seemed a little lost? ”

Samantha looked at me with questioning eyes trying to remember what I’m talking about.

“It doesn’t matter. What matter is I reached out to her and she accepted.”

She stood there with her mouth slightly open not fully understanding what I had done but she waited before she said anything and that’s what I appreciate about her.

“I invited her to the One Night Only.”

Realization finally dawned and I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction I was going to have from her, but I did not expect her to jump up and down like a schoolgirl as if this was the best present she’s ever received.

“I’m so glad you’re trying to get out there again.”

“It is only for one night and I think we both would greatly benefit from what will happen.”

“But what if some connection…”

“No. There can be no connection. I don’t think I can handle that. Not after what happened.”

She stopped bouncing and she looked at me with sad eyes. I didn’t want that look, I just wanted a friend to understand.

“Alright since it’s only one night you better put your best foot forward so she can understand that there is more to life than just hiding. I remember who you’re talking about now and it seems like she wants more but doesn’t understand the more that she wants will be liberating if she only lets her guard down.” Samantha sat with her arms crossed exposing the tattoo that she had on her forearm that’s said ‘Take me now as I am.’

I looked at her and nodded because I got the same feeling from her and at the same time it may heal me as well.

(Hi my fire starters. Hope you are all doing well and keeping warm with passion fire. This is only the beginning. lol)

Should I?

Should I write about heated nights

And secret rendezvous

Of passionate kisses

And special paddles and tools

Should I write, about what would scare

The normal’s in society

What they would deem impropriety

The question is what should I write?

For tonight feels different

 than any other night

Is there a fullness to the moon

That is awakening the beast

Is there a shift in the tide

Making my mouth water waiting to feast

I do not want you to kneel and wait

Stand up, hands behind your neck

Ah yes that is a perfect display

Are you worried about the pleasure I receive pet

Why swallow so many times

We have not started the fun

Do you see my cat of nine’s

Is it that your skin holds no marks

Is that what is disturbing my peace

That little spark

Maybe it is nothing at all

The primal need to want you to beg me

Eventually crawl

Stand there and think

While you do,

 I will go to the sink

Where something special is there for you

Can you guess?

Let your mind go crazy

I want it too

Come cum lets not be lazy

Clink

Did you jump

Its your present that fell

In the sink

No more talking

No more delay

We have discussed this

Bend and lets play

I AM HERE

I have been floundering for the past couple of months. Could not find my footing on stable ground.

You must think that it is normal for people to go through this. It could be I do not know. Something happened recently that reminded me who I am. Which also reveals a fault of mine.

I see the best and the possibility of who people can be. Not seeing what was really going on.

It is easy to blame me. So, they did. Yes, you read right. They. So, I decided the best course of action is to stay with my mini circle. I know who they are and they know me without judgement, because I am not perfect, but I am not the scape goat either.

I have a friend who every once and awhile asks “Where are you?”

That is not asking about me physically but mentally. I need that sometimes because I get lost trying to be someone I thought they wanted. Enough of that.

I am writing this here because I am inconsistent and I need to change all of that and need to focus.

The year is almost up and I should have completed a couple of projects already, but I have gotten lost. I am back now and I am going to take you with me on my journey. Poetry is coming and Stories.

This is my heart, my love and my passion.

I have not said this line in a long time, but it is fitting to bring it back.

Let us stroke the fire until it burns, my fire starters. Fia Naturie is back.

Water (poem)

This should feel

Soothing to fevered flesh

This is gift

That requires no thank you’s

Instead

It does what it was not meant to

Spurs and ignites

The tenderness deceives

Taunt flesh

Should ease

Tightens in places

Oh god the places

It surrounds

In false security

Like a child held in warmth

Break away once and the chill

Reveals pebbled flesh

Dusted peaks scream

Need

Relief is not close

Still

The offer of tenderness

With the lap of soft foam

Should I continue

To enjoy the offer

Or leave making this

A torment that cannot

Be replicated

A Tear

A tear eluded its captivity

Without a moments hesitation

Enough brutality was served

Still, it held its ground

Until opportunity presented itself

Verbal beating

Lands and rips

Tight skin pops

Muscle bunch bracing for impact

Provocation was not given

Permission was not given

Penance was not given

Absolution was not given

The only form of healing

Was escape

Curled up internally

Is the innocent

Nonsensical Thoughts

What a pretty thing to see words sing

as the lights twirl and flash

what a wicked thing to read words that bring

rage to be ripped and slashed

The pounding of the drum within my head

beats endlessly in the silence of the night

As the words have no rhyme or rhythm

causing one to scream and fight

internally all these things are happening

no one is ever the wiser

when things slip out in ancient tongues

what was a trickle becoming a geyser

no I’m not losing it as it may seem

all these nonsensical words come out as I dream

Summer Tongue

I can start this off with something like, “Get some water.” “Moisten that mouth” but I won’t. ( I kind of did. Didn’t I?)

There is an abundance of comments in the winter and fall. I find that when it gets hot everyone tends to stop commenting. Is it as simple as that? The heat. Everyone is outside socializing and rarely has time to read and comment.

I do not blame them. Outside is better than inside all year.  There are those who cannot go out and the most socializing they have is with the commenters. Sad but true. I try my best to comment when I can but that does not mean that I am immune to wanting someone to comment back.

Yes, I can go out and socialize but I love to write. To entertain with my stories and the worlds I create. It makes me excited when someone takes the time to give a thumbs up or that’s interesting.

This is not a look at me writing. (well, yah, look at me. lol) It’s more of I need to get this out of my head writing so I can think of something else.

I guess I don’t have summer tongue. Not yet at least.

Walk the line

You walked the line between heaven and hell

Do you allow the beast takeover

To dominate every area and every inch of this space

To take without being asked

To break you

 To bend you

To reveal a part of you

You never knew existed

Or

Will I hand over the reins

Allow another to give me pleasure

To feel free

No thoughts

No decisions

Just feeling the moment

The Beast is waiting. Decide.