The Judge Made Me Get a Divorce

Meeting up with the ladies at the bar to blow off some steam on a Friday night. It’s supposed to be a relaxing night but instead it turned into this conversation.

Hello ladies, and welcome to the Do It Right Bar. What would you ladies be having tonight?” The waitress asked

Juju was the first to order. “Do you have any plum wine?”

“Yes, we do. Is that what you like?”

She sat there and just nodded her head as she looked around the bar.

“And what would you like?” The question was headed towards Casey.

“Well I definitely don’t want no plum wine. Give me a tequila and if you have some corn chips with some salsa too.”

The waitress jot it down and looked at the third in our group Joni.

“Just makes me a White Russian. And I’ll take it from there.” Joni accent was new York and Slavic. It sounds sexy when she lowers it and whispers in your ear but down right scary when she’s pissed off.

The waitress looked at me, waiting for my order period

“I have a bourbon on the rocks.”

Now what I said sounds very normal to most people. But who orders bourbon on the rocks at a bar that is pumping music that is supposed to get you up and dance. She took my order with a questioning look on her face and turned around and walked away.

“WTF  Fia, what is wrong with you? It is bad that we have to deal with the Jujus plum wine at a place that is supposed to have something different. But bourbon?”

Juju, unless they’ve had enough of Casey riding her about the Plumb line, and just let it out just a little bit.

“Listen, you uneducated, uncouth twit. You talked about my Plumb line one more time, I’m gonna show you where I’m gonna stick that plum.” She turned back to me, it said, “Bourbon?”

Now I don’t know why I was waiting for Joni to say something. The woman is very calculated with her words. Her stare spoke volumes.

I took a good deep breath and I just confessed.

“The judge said I had to get a divorce. ”

The three of them looked at each other, trying to understand what I was talking about. This is when Joni surprised all of us by saying, ” You’re not married.” I guess my statement just threw her out of her normal headspace because she normally tries to use big words to throw all of us off.

Taking a deep breath again, I had to explain.

“You see, this whole thing with the divorce with the judge started about three years back. I was in a slight altercation at a house party, and the judge told me that I needed to divorce Appleton. Now, I did put up an argument stating that it didn’t have to come to this, but she said if I did not divorce Appleton, then I would spend some time behind bars.

So when Appleton left, I started seeing Gin. Remember, I was having this whole crisis, and Gim came in handy. She was very flowery and smooth. Too smooth that I ended up back in front of the same judge. The judge said Gin’s gotta go to. I didn’t understand that because Gin didn’t cause any problems, at least that’s what I felt. But I guess my texting several people and telling them what they can be doing instead of doing who they’re doing was being creepy.

Finally, with my third husband, Jim, I thought it would have been a forever thing. You know, forever is not a very long time, especially when his buddy McCullen walked in. You see, Jim is a good old boy, and the other, was like, Who’s your daddy? It’s a Long story short. The judge said that I am no longer to be married to Jim and to leave the other one alone since he is taken.”

The three ladies looked at me as if I had completely lost my ever loving mind and burst out laughing. Now I thought we were the only one having this conversation but what really was going on is that several people stopped dancing and stood around us listening to my divorce stories.

When I stopped and realized how many people were around us, I just bowed my head in shame as I could hear the laughter building from the back all the way to the front. And my friends didn’t help, not one bit to calm down the laughter since they were laughing so hard that one of them Juju, started snorting.

While all this is going on the waitress who was also listening to the story and laughing just as bad as everyone else came over to me with a bottle of Triple X moonshine. I did not order any Triple X moonshine, so I looked at her, questioning what was going on.

“Well you see the bartender and I over heard a snippet at the end about how many divorces you had and we didn’t want you to get off the horse that quickly so to ease you back into the dating pool we thought we’d take you in the backwoods and give you some Triple X moonshine.

 This shit right here should keep you out from seeing that judge, but you have to listen to me when I tell you this: Do not marry the moonshine man. This is just to ease you back on that pony. If you don’t want the moonshine, man,, I’ll go back and get you the bourbon. The bourbon is more like you at home,, with someone in front of a fireplace, leaning up against a desk or something, not a bar. Well, not at least at this bar.

As the night progressed, I conceded and started dating the moonshine man. He was hitting all the right spots. Had me moving all kinds of ways that I forgot that my body can go. And he’s not a jealous man because I got the digits of several who were laughing at my demise.

The ladies had decided that my story needed to be put out there. Juni, who is the editor-in-chief of an Internet publication, ran my story and called it a judge’s demand that I get a divorce.

(Hello fire starters, I know I have not been writing stories on here for a while. I am still writing, though. I came up with this last night, 6/7. Could not stop myself from writing down. Let me know if you like it. Fia xoxo)